


Even When I Lose

by jaded25



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A bit angsty I suppose, Fluff, Freedom, M/M, References to Past Drug Use, Smut, Where We Are Tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-16 06:01:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2258484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaded25/pseuds/jaded25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood<br/>You're my downfall, you're my muse<br/>My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues"</p>
<p>Buying the Rovers has been Louis childhood dream, and for once, things seem to be going smoothly.<br/>That's until Management becomes involved, giving Louis an impossible choice to make.</p>
<p>Because how do you choose between everything you’ve ever wanted and the person you love more than anything in the world?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even When I Lose

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer:  
> I don’t own One Direction (sadly), nor do I claim to know what goes on behind the scenes. This is purely fictional, I have no idea whether or not the boys are negotiating or have signed a new contract with another management team (though I hope they did).
> 
>  
> 
> Author’s note:  
> Just so we’re all on the same page before you start reading:  
> Harry and Louis are on a break in the beginning, i.e. no terrible break-up has happened, they don’t hate each other, no harsh feelings towards each other.  
> They simply decided to take a break from their relationship because Louis was close to breaking point and Harry needed time and space to sort himself out and get better.  
> They still love each other, they still want to be together, they’re just slowly working up to it now that they’re both well and healthy again.

 

The news hit in early June.

**Louis Tomlinson set to take over the Rovers.**

Talks and negotiations had been underway long before that, but it’s only now, only when management got involved that things suddenly became public.

And it’s now that management got involved, that talks are stalling. That _management_ is stalling to be precise.

 

 

** 02/06 Manchester **

Louis gets called into a meeting in the wee hours of the morning which is never a good thing. It’s even worse when he figures out that he is the only one out of the boys attending and that he’s faced with the whole management elite and then some.

Richard Griffiths and Harry Magee are both present as well as their PR team.

He quickly considers turning around and making a run for it, but the door to the conference room is already firmly closed. So he grinds his teeth and walks over to the table, taking a seat furthest away from the people he came to despise in the last couple of years.

“Louis, nice of you to join us”

“Didn’t have much of a choice, did I now?” He mutters and drags his eyes up.

He’s tired, they played a show last night and he’d give anything for a couple of extra hours of sleep. The rest of the boys are probably on their way to Edinburgh already, wondering whether they forgot him at the hotel once again. It wouldn’t be the first time that Louis overslept on this tour and had to be physically dragged from his room. He’s a little surprised that Liam hasn’t called yet.

But then again maybe the rest had been informed of his impromptu meeting with ‘the elite’.

“How are you feeling?” Harry Magee leans forward a little, folding his hands on top of some files Louis eyes suspiciously.

“Fine. Great” It’s a blatant lie, Louis looks far from great. His hair is greasy and a bit unkempt, his eyes are red rimmed and purple bags are beginning to show.

He knows he looks like shit, like lukewarm shit, but he can’t help it.

Louis is simply exhausted. Physically but even more emotionally and no amount of sleep in this world will be able to cure it.

“Are you enjoying the tour so far? Everything good with the lads?”

He rolls his eyes and frowns. “I’m sorry but can we cut the crap? I’m way too tired for this small talk”

Richard Griffiths coughs and Louis thinks he should really know him better by now. “Well, as you so politely requested… we’re here to make you an offer”

“An offer” Louis echoes.

“Or give you a choice, if you prefer” Harry Magee smiles and Louis knows he’s in trouble. It’s been years since the heads of Modest smiled when they were present in the same meeting as him.

“As you may know, your contract is expiring by the end of 2015”

Louis does know. He’s got that date marked down in every calendar, circled with a big red pen.

“We know things have been… a little strained between us, but we always had your best interests at heart”

Good job he had nothing for breakfast yet, otherwise he would have gagged.

“You’re kidding, right?” he asks and there’s a collective sigh like he’s some undiscerning toddler.

“Louis, we did what we had to do with regards to Harry and you and if I remember correctly, you weren’t exactly ready to come out-“

“Don’t talk to me about Harry” Louis cuts in, voice gone cold. “Mention his name again and this meeting is over, you got me?”

“Well, this could be a bit tricky. Because see, the offer we have… it concerns Harry as well”

Louis is five seconds from getting up and leaving but something makes him stay.

“We know it was you who planted that idea of moving to LA in his head, we know it was you who was the mastermind behind Harry’s meetings with the Azoff’s” and gone is the friendly tone. “We know they offered you a new contract, offered to help with Harry’s coming out…” Louis grinds his teeth and doesn’t say anything. There’s no proof, no trace he left, they can’t prove _anything_.

“You do realize that once Harry comes out, it’ll only be a matter of seconds until people turn towards you, right? Everything you tried to avoid for years, every lie you ever told, every outing with Eleanor, it will all come crashing down. It’ll be Armageddon, Louis”

It’s nothing new. Louis knows all this and it’s the very reason he hasn’t signed the new contract yet.

“Is there a point to this or do you just like dramatic pauses and metaphors?” Louis yawns and tries to fake nonchalance even so his body is tense and he feels a little sick. He thought he’d have more time, more time to think it through, more time to figure out what to do.

“The point is, we’d like to present you with a way out” Richard Griffiths smiles slyly.

Louis just cocks an eyebrow.

“You’d like to buy the Rovers. We don’t really support that” Breaking news. As if Louis hadn’t guessed as much when Management suddenly got involved in the talks, stalling a so far smooth process.

“It’s really none of your business”

“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. You still have a contract with us, so _everything_ you’re involved with is our business”

“So you’re going to sabotage it?” Louis balls his fists and wonders if there’s a word stronger than ‘hate’.

“That’s where our offer comes in: We won’t interfere with the Rover’s deal, we’ll even support it. You get your football team and can play club manager or whatever and be all happy”

“Where’s the catch?”

“You won’t work with Azoff but with us. Prolong the contract for another three years”

Louis is so shocked, he can’t say anything. Magee seems to take that as suspense because he goes on.

“Think about it; three more albums, maybe two or three more tours. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it?”

“What about… our image?” It’s worded vaguely enough but they still understand what he means.

“No coming out. Things will stay as they are”

“Meaning Harry and I aren’t allowed to be seen in public, aren’t allowed to interact on stage – _aren’t allowed to be together_ ” Louis spits and Harry Magee smiles smugly.

“As far as we’re aware you aren’t. Together that it is”

“As far as I am aware it’s none of your fucking business” Louis growls, hands grabbing the armrests to stop them from shaking.

“Look Louis, I am not saying it’s the ideal solution but we all have to compromise; you won’t have to come out when you’re not ready. A couple of outings with El, one or two loved up tweets… it’d be safe. You’d get your football club, something you’ve dreamt about for so long and invested quite a lot of time and energy in. I don’t see a real downside for you, to be honest”

Louis snorts. The downside would be that Harry wouldn’t be allowed to come out for another five years. The downside would be that the boy he loves would have to hide who he really is for even longer and it nearly broke him before. The downside would be that Louis might actually completely lose Harry over this.

“So you’re saying…?”

“It’s your choice Louis: The Rovers and being safe or Harry and taking a leap into the unknown”

 

 

** November 2013, London **

_When there’s finally a knock on the door, it’s half an hour later than Louis requested but he didn’t expect anything less._ _He opens the door and frowns. “Nick”_

_“_ _Sorry, didn’t keep track of time” the other man doesn’t even try to sound apologetic._

_“Sure. Come in” Louis steps aside and lets Nick into the house._

_“I like what you did with the place…” Nick looks around, clearly hinting at the lack of Harry’s stuff. “Very… Spartan and modern. Lots of room to-“ Louis grabs Nick by the lapses of his blazer and slams him against the wall._

_“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t knock you out, Grimshaw” he spits and for the first time he sees something like fear crossing Nick’s face._

_“I didn’t…” he gurgles, struggling in Louis hold. “Fuck, Tomlinson. Do you think I wanted that to happen?”_

_Louis lets go of him and takes a step back, Nick taking a wheezing breath._

_“_ You _took him out,_ you _introduced him to those people,_ you _introduced him to this kind of shit…”_

_“_ _I tried to stop him! I begged him for crying out loud! He’s not listening, okay? He doesn’t listen to me!”_

_"You’re supposed to be his best friend!”_

_“You’re supposed to be his boyfriend!” Nick fires back and they both stand there and glare at each other for a minute._

_“I never –_ never _– wanted that to happen. Harry is… fuck, he’s a good guy”_

_“He’s the best” Louis corrects quietly and runs a hand through his hair._

_“I’m sorry okay? For what it’s worth I am really, really sorry”_

_“So am I” Louis backs away and walks into the kitchen, getting himself a beer and when he hears Nick following, he gets the other man one too._

_Nick acknowledges it with a small nod, taking a seat at the breakfast table._

_“I know it’s none of my business but… you obviously care a great deal about him – even so it pains me to say it – so why again are you on ‘a break’`?”_

_“You know why” Louis growls, “Harry told you why”_

_“He told me_ his _reasons” Nick rolls the bottle in his hands. “What are yours?”_

_Louis traces the lines of the wooden table, the table Harry picked for their house._

_Suddenly everything hurts. It’s been months but it still hurts as bad as the very day they decided to take that step back, that day which had both of them crying on stage during “Over Again” in Australia._

_“I know he loves me. And I love him, always have, always will. But… we got into this when we were kids, neither of us really knew what ‘being together’ would entail, all those lies, all those rules, all those things we couldn’t suddenly do anymore. These insecurities, the pressure…” Louis bites his lips. “God, all those lies”_

_“Eleanor?” Nick asks quietly, for once not mocking or condescending._

_“Among other things, yes. Harry hated her. Hated what she stood for, hated every day, every hour, I had to spend with her. And I hated that I wasn’t suddenly allowed to talk to him anymore, wasn’t allowed to touch, not even allowed to stand next to him. They made him stay in different hotels than the rest of us, made it look like we hated each other, turned seeing each other into a fucking mission impossible._

_The_ _Take Me Home Tour sucked. We were in the same cities, stood on the same fucking stage but there were days Harry and I hardly got to speak five words with each other. Someone was always there, always lingering in the shadows to make sure we weren’t alone with each other for one second…_

_So tell me Nick, how long can you go without talking to your boy while he’s in the same room with you? How long can you go without touching when he’s standing right next to you?”_

_“I didn’t… Fuck, I didn’t know” Nick looks shocked, disgusted even._

_“Harry didn’t tell you that?”_

_“No… not like that. He just… he said the pressure, the lies and do’s and don’ts eventually became too much”_

_“It did._ Everything _became too much. Harry wanted to come out, desperately. He was so… unhappy, every single day... It broke my fucking heart to see him like that, because I couldn’t do anything. I had to stand by and watch as the boy I loved more than anything in this world slowly broke into pieces” Louis peels the label off the bottle. “Because of me. If it wasn’t for me, if he hadn’t met me, if we hadn’t fallen in love…”_

_“No” Nick cuts in. “I will punch you straight in the face if you for one second think falling in love with you made Harry sad”_

_Louis chuckles, but there’s no real humor behind it. “Nick Grimshaw fighting for Larry Stylinson? Wow, I must have hit my head and woken up in some alternate universe”_

_Nick doesn’t say anything for a while, just musters Louis. “I don’t like you, Tomlinson. You’re a cocky shit. But you’re also the cocky shit Harry would swim the seven oceans for”_

_“Would he?” it’s whispered so quietly that Nick has a hard time hearing it._

_“Yes. Still. Always probably” Nick clinks his bottle against Louis’ to get his attention back. “As much as it hurt him and as much as it sucked, he understands why you – and I mean you and him here – needed a break. It doesn’t mean he likes it or that he’s happy but he understands”_

_“Does he?” Louis sighs “Then why is he out there… getting wasted, getting high…” Louis stops and swallows hard. He’s cried one too many times about this whole thing and he’ll be damned if he cries in front of Nick fucking Grimshaw._

_“He doesn’t know how to cope. He’s pushed so far in the closet, Louis, he doesn’t see any light. They’ve taken a look at his body, at his personality and told him it’s not good enough for the media and fans. They’ve taken you away from him… there’s not much left, is there now?”_

_“I swear, if you start…”_

_“I am not saying it’s good or right what he does but you asked why and well… that is the answer. I am sorry I introduced him to those people, if I had known how fragile he was… I would have never brought him with me. I could kick myself every day for this mess”_

_“You didn’t know?”_

_“Well, I knew they did drugs occasionally. Never knew they’d get Harry hooked on coke and that he’d start doing it every fucking day. Louis, he’s one of my best friends… I don’t… I want him to be happy”_

_Louis doesn’t say anything for a while, just studies Nick before he gets up and grabs some papers. “I need your help”_

_Nick’s eyes widen. “You… what?”_

_“_ _Don’t make me say it again, it’s bad enough as it is” Louis growls and Nick chuckles._

_“Sorry. Okay, sure”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yes” Nick rolls his eyes. “As I said, I don’t particularly like you, but Harry is arse over tits for you and… I am rooting for a big fucking wedding and a happy end. Anything I can do to help this along. Plus, seeing Harry like that… I don’t like it. I fucking hate it to be honest so yes, if you have a plan, I’m game”_

_Louis nods, some weight lifted off his chest. He didn’t know how this conversation would turn out but he’s pleasantly surprised and… relieved. Things are finally being set in motion, he finally came up with a plan._

_“I want you to talk to Harry… don’t mention me or anything just… show him these”_

_Nick grabs the papers and flicks through them. “That’s it? Your solution is buying a house?”_

_“Look at the fucking location”_

_“Los Angeles” Nick reads and lowers the sheets, looking at Louis. “You gotta be kidding”_

_"Am not”_

_“You… you’d risk losing him?”_

_Louis shakes his head. “I am already losing him, aren’t I? It can only get worse if he stays in London. I need to get him away from the people, away from the ‘scene’ he’s in”_

_“That’s on the other side of the world”_

_“_ _Good” Louis growls. “That’s just about far enough from those hyenas using him for his name and fame”_

_“You’d hardly ever see him” Nick argues, voice subdued._

_“I know. But I need to get him out of here. He needs to see… how did you call it? The light at the end of the tunnel…”_

_“What did you do, Tomlinson?”_

_For a brief second he wonders whether he can trust Nick with that kind of explosive information. But he needs him, needs his full support and determination. Harry won’t listen to him but he’ll listen to Nick._

_Louis knows he loves L.A., has toyed with the idea of buying a house there for a while and now… there’s technically nothing that holds him back._

_As hard and painful as it was, Louis had declined Harry’s last attempt of getting back together, saying he first needed to get better, Harry needed to sort himself out before they could think about giving it another go. It sounds harsh and probably was but Louis was done with idly standing by and seeing the love of his life break into a billion pieces._

_Modest had still been breathing down their necks and considering the state Harry had been in… Louis didn’t want to be the reason that set him off and he knew that if they’d get back together, Modest would bring on the full program again – Eleanor, couples vacations, sending Harry out on various dates with whoever upcoming, desperate model/actress/ singer they could find._

_Given that it had been exactly that plus the pressure of media and fans, the exhaustion and lack of sleep, the lies and effort to keep them separate which wore Harry down in the first place, Louis wasn’t ready to take any chances this time. He nearly lost Harry to it, nearly had to witness his beautiful boy break from all the hurt and heartache and he wasn’t ever going put him through it again. Louis needed a plan, needed to find “the light at the end of the tunnel” for Harry._

_So he struck a deal; he agreed to stay away from Harry if Modest would let him go to the States and would stop parading Eleanor around, would stop sending Harry on stupid dates with stupid girls. It hurt, even more because he couldn’t tell Harry about it, needed the other boy gone and focused on himself instead of trying to help Louis._

_He needed Harry to get better, needed_ his _Harry back and he needed time to set everything in motion._

_“I might have spoken to the Azoff’s…” Louis finally says and Nick chokes on his beer._

_“But you… your contract…?”_

_“Isn’t up until the end of 2015, I know” suddenly Louis looks up and his blue eyes flash brightly and with mischief. “But how did you call it… Harry needs to see the light at the end of the tunnel… and Azoff is very willing to sign us. Very willing and very supportive of the idea of Harry coming out”_

_“They will kill you” Nick mutters. “If Modest ever finds out… they will kill you”_

_“Let them try. Better me than Harry”_

_That very moment Nick understands why Harry fell as hard as he did. Louis looks tired, beat and exhausted but there’s a fire in his blue eyes, a promise that he’ll give his all for Harry and which boy could ever resist a love like that?_

_“You know they will make you pay if they ever find out” Nick shifts through the papers. “They will find something you love and take it away”_

_“They already took the thing I love the most” Louis whispers and Nick doesn’t want to but he feels a sudden rush of sympathy._

_“Okay. So I’ll book Harry a ticket and send him house hunting in L.A. Anything else I can do, Tomlinson?”_

 

 

** 06/06 London **

Louis had the new Modest contracts sitting in his suitcase for four days now.

He’s been feeling ill for about the same amount of time.

Niall, Liam and Zayn were all on board with the change of management, didn’t need much convincing and even less time to work out and sign the new contracts with Azoff for 2016. Contracts which granted them 100% say in every decision, whether it was with regards to music, tours and release dates or with regards to PR. No more stupid stunts, no more fake dates for the media, no more hiding and denying. They worked out a strategy to let Harry come out, to make it as smooth and easy for him as possible, guaranteeing the best back up and safety net anyone could have asked for. But most important they promised he’d no longer have to hide.

Louis can’t even begin to describe what that change meant for Harry, can’t even put it into words.

Ever since Harry moved to L.A. and was “out of the blue” approached by Jeff Azoff, he’s been happier, more confident and… free. He doesn’t watch his every move, prances around on stage like the little princess he is, jokes around with the crew and boys again and… Louis can’t describe it any differently than by saying he’s just finally _Harry_ again.

Not that shadow of his former self but the brightly colored, high voltage version Louis met all those years back in the XFactor bathroom.

He’s stayed clear of drugs and those toxic people, has put on some weight and looks healthy and happy again.

And now Louis holds the bomb that could tear Harry to pieces.

 

 

** 08/06 London **

“Hi”

Louis turns around and stops trying to entangle his clothes. Harry is standing in front of him, pigeon toed and looking all shy.

“Hey”

“Umh…” he bites his lips and entwines his fingers, bouncing back and forth on his toes and Louis wants to pull him in and kiss his curls.

They aren’t exactly back together but ever since the rehearsals for the tour started they’ve been better. Slowly inching towards each other again, all cautious looks and subtle touches. Management didn’t watch them that closely in South America, still thinking they managed to put the final wedge between them, which is bullshit. Nothing could ever come between HarryAndLouis except Harry and Louis themselves.

“Yes?” Louis has to bite back a grin. Harry may be twenty and the most sought after bloke on the planet, acting all cocky and confident on red carpets but he can turn into the most adorable, blushing mess when it comes to Louis.

“I was just… like… I know we don’t have another show for five days and… like, I thought I could stay here for a while… not here as in the stadium… but London. I could stay in London for a while. PR has arranged for some ‘outings’ but… that’s only for a couple of hours and not every day and…”

“Mmh” Louis leans against the table and balls the shirt up to hide his shaking hands. He wants to reach out so badly.

“I just thought… it’d be nice… to hang out?” Harry looks at him with bright green eyes and the sweetest dust of pink on his cheeks.

Louis makes sure to check for curious eyes before he leans in a bit, lowering his voice. “I’d love to”

“Yeah?” Harry’s whole face lights up.

Louis quickly glances past Harry, shooting Zayn a pleading look. The other boy rolls his eyes, but kicks Niall and drags him out of the room, leaving Harry and Louis alone.

“Yes. You know I love spending time with you, Haz”

“I missed you”

It’s Harry who makes the first move, taking the shirt out of Louis hands to wrap his big paws around them. “ _I missed you_ ” he repeats, three simple words but holding so much meaning and Louis’ breath catches.

“I missed you too” he mutters and Harry smiles.

“So I’ll come over… tomorrow? Bring some stuff over… maybe I can cook dinner for you and we can… talk?”

_Talk_ … judging by the look in Harry’s eyes, Louis knows exactly what he wants to talk about and he’s surprised they managed this long without that conversation.

“I’d love that”

 

 

** 09/06 London **

Having the benefit of having been with Harry Styles for four years, Louis knows that ‘ _bringing some stuff for cooking dinner’_ doesn’t necessarily mean Harry will wait until the afternoon to show up.

So he’s up and about way before his usual time on a free day, cleaning the house and dressed before noon. Which proves to be good because Harry managed to wait until 12:01 to knock on his door. Not that he needs to, Harry still has a key.

“Hi” he looks around curiously as if he’d expected Louis to change and redecorate the place.

“Same old, I didn’t change anything” Louis takes the bags from his hands, carries them into the kitchen and starts to unpack while Harry saunters through the rooms, probably picking up this and that, getting reacquainted with the house.

“You know… the one in L.A. is lovely and all…” he calls from somewhere.

Louis knows. He was the one who talked to the Real Estate agent Nick suggested, he was the one who did a pre-selection of houses the lady would show to Harry and he was the one who predicted (rightly) which house Harry would chose.

“But?” Louis probes, eyeing some sort of vegetable Harry bought. Ever since moving to the States he’s become an even bigger lil’ health freak, always nagging Louis about ‘treating his body well’. Louis thinks having cut down on smoking to three a day and staying away from weed most days is treating his body well enough. It’d probably go on strike if he took away the pizza and beer as well.

“But…” Harry walks into the kitchen, lovingly tracing his hand across the scratch marks on the table, “… this will always be _home_ ”

Louis drops the chicken.

“Are you okay?”

“Jeeze Harry, don’t say things like that so casually!”

“What?” the taller boy leans across the counter, trying to catch a glimpse of Louis. “Asking if the chicken is okay?”

“No!” Louis peeks up. “You know what I mean”

“And you know I wanted to talk!” Harry defends.

“Should have known better than to expect some kind of small talk first” Louis grumbles, shoving the chicken in the fridge.

“What’s the point?”

Yeah, _what’s the point_? Louis thinks. Technically, they’ve never broken up, neither Harry nor him have been with anyone else, have never so much as looked at anyone else.

They had taken the break because they needed the rest. Being too exhausted and worn down from their life but not from each other. _Never_ from each other. But eventually it becomes hard to give when you need all your energy to pick yourself up from the floor. When everything around them turned toxic, they decided to take that step back and concentrate on getting better, getting ‘whole’ for each other again.

It bought them time, got management off their backs for a while, allowed them to _breathe_.

“How are you?” Louis reaches up, having to get up on his tip toes to reach for the mugs. Usually Harry was up way before him, already having the tea ready when Louis finally woke up. Even so he spends most of his time in L.A. now, Louis never saw the need to move the cups to a lower shelve.

“Let me” Harry gets behind him, easily reaching for the mugs and Louis rests his hands on the counter top to steady himself.

They’ve gotten closer, touches have gotten more intimate again ever since they started the tour.

“Thank you” He doesn’t turn around and Harry doesn’t step back. Louis can feel his body heat radiate of him, making a warm shiver run down his back.

“Louis…”

“Do you want that herbal green stuff which tastes like…”

“Louis” Harry interrupts again, “I am good”

The older boy exhales slowly, eventually letting the muscles in his back relax. “Are you?”

“Yes” Harry places his big hands next to Louis dainty ones on the counter but doesn’t touch him yet. “I was a mess last year and… not going to lie, I hated it. Hated that stupid break you suggested. But… I realized why you did it. And it was right that you did. We needed it – _I_ needed it”

“Still you went out with those… people” Louis can’t keep the venom out of his voice. “If you understood, why did it get worse before it got better?”

“Because I am a stupid teenager. A stupid, stubborn, heartbroken teenager. Just because I understood, didn’t mean I knew how to deal with it” now Harry moves his hand, ever so slightly covering Louis with his own. “I was a mess and you did the right thing. Thank you for that. Thank you for taking care of me when I couldn’t”

Louis bites back some tears with a shuddering breath. It’s not that he thought Harry hated him but… it’s always a little risky to walk up to your boyfriend of three years and blatantly tell him that it can’t go on like this. Harry had been so upset, so angry but Louis simply couldn’t think of another solution back then.

“I’m good now, though. I sorted myself out and…” Harry’s breath fans over Louis neck. “I’m okay. I’m ready to play my part again. I want to, Louis. Been waiting for ages” his lips ghost over the exposed skin on Louis shoulder. “Can we? Please? I swear to you, I can do it. I won’t break” teeth break the skin, sucking a small lovebite into his skin.

Louis turns around in Harry’s hold, the marble top digging into his back but he’s still so close to Harry. Always so close to Harry.

He looks at him, searches his gaze and Harry lets him, just waits for Louis’ decision.

Louis reaches up and twirls a curl around his finger, marveling at the silkiness of Harry’s hair. “Don’t cut it” he mutters and then he pulls him in.

Every kiss feels like the first with Harry, makes Louis head spin and his knees weak. Whether it’s the slow and gentle drag of lips against lips, like now, getting reacquainted with each other’s taste or the hot and heavy slide of tongues, licking into each other’s mouth hazy with lust.

Harry circles his arms around him, pulls him in and lets Louis weight rest against him, easily holding the smaller boy.

For the first time in forever, ever since Louis started all his scheming and plans, he feels – _safe_. Taken care of and… finally well and truly home.

If Louis is Harry’s rock, his wave-breaker than Harry is Louis safe haven, the only place in the world where he feels protected enough to let all his guards down.

“I missed you” Harry whispers against his lips and Louis smiles.

“I love you” he feels Harry’s breath hitch.

“I love you, too”

Louis reaches up and cards his hands through his boyfriend’s hair, taking the bandana out to be able to freely twist those luscious curls around his fingers.

“What do you want to do today?”

“Be with you. Just be with you” Harry takes a small step back, hands still restlessly caressing Louis back as if he can’t bear the thought to stop touching him now that they’ve finally taken this step. “Bed?”

“Maybe… couch? Take it slow, yeah?”

“Okay. Yeah, sure… whatever you want” Harry is quick to agree and Louis pecks his lips, kissing the slight frown off his face.

They settle on one of their big and comfy sofas, a monstrosity Harry insisted on buying. It’s not the sleek black leather couch Louis had in mind but it’s way better. It’s big enough for both of them to stretch out next to each other, comfy and soft enough to not give Harry back pains even when they spent whole days on it. And, how Harry cheekily pointed out, easy to clean.

Harry is quick to pull Louis half on top of him once they’ve lied down, tangling their legs together and sneaking his hands under his shirt.

“Tell me about it, L.A. I mean. About the house and the bike… and why you refuse to wear the leather jacket I sent you, you dufus”

The chest beneath Louis hands vibrates with Harry’s chuckles. “You know everything about the house and L.A. already, Lou. Or did you forget all those endless Skype sessions and phone calls?”

“No, but it’s different”

“How so?”

“You’re here now” It comes out smaller and needier than Louis would have liked, a short glimpse of the toll these months without Harry really took on him.

“Babe…” sometimes it’s annoying how well Harry knows him and how good he’s become at reading him. “One word and I would have booked you a flight, you know that”

“I do” Louis kisses the corner of his mouth. “I do Haz, and it’s not like I have never been there, I know… it’s just… hard to imagine what you do all day, what your life is like over there” he doesn’t say it, but the _without me_ rings clear in the air.   

“I stole the sheets” Harry says instead of diving into a detailed tale of his days in sunny California like Louis expected.

“What?” he pushes himself slightly up on Harry’s chest to get a better look at his face.

Harry just shrugs. “Yep, when I came over for the BRITs, remember?”

“Hard to forget that night” Louis mutters. Just because they were on a break didn’t mean Louis had the self-restrain of an angel… Harry was and will always be his guilty pleasure, the only thing Louis can’t and won’t ever stay away from.

“Mmh… so when I told you I was just going to change them… I kinda… took them with me. To L.A. Wouldn’t wash them for six weeks”

“Ugh, gross Harry”

The boy in question doesn’t even blush, “What, they smelled like you!”

“So all the shirts and jumpers you nicked didn’t suffice?”

“Oh” now he looks a little sheepish. “You noticed?”

“Half my wardrobe was missing, _thief_!”

“Hey…” Harry giggles and digs his long fingers into Louis side, making the older boy squeal and trying to bat his hands away. “Just because I agreed to take a break and move doesn’t mean I didn’t fucking miss you every day for the last months, okay? It was a poor replacement but I’d rather take your dirty hoodie and smell it at night, all alone in my way too big bed, than not have anything from you at all”

Sometimes Louis has a hard time remembering how he managed to stay away from Harry for even five seconds.

“And I took your favorite mug” Harry adds after a couple of seconds. “The one I said I broke… yeah, I didn’t. I stole it”

“Oh my God! I can’t believe you, I was heartbroken! Cried for days without end!” Louis shakes his head. “Wait… that last pack of tea I swore I bought and you claimed you never saw…?”

“Flew over to L.A. together with your mug, sorry”

“My boyfriend is a kleptomaniac”

“Better than an arsonist?!” Harry suggests with a twinkle in his eye.

“Wait – my pillow. My childhood pillow you said you washed and shrunk?!”

“It’s very, very happy? It likes the sun a lot…”

“Harold Styles!” Louis reaches for a cushion to whack Harry in the face with it, making the younger boy curl into a ball and nearly kicking Louis off of the sofa.

“That’s not my name!” he yells when Louis attacks him with a battle cry for vengeance.

They fall off the sofa together in a tangled, laughing mess. Louis tries to pummel Harry into submission with a tiny sofa cushion and Harry tries to kill his boyfriend by tickling him to death.

It ends how most play fights end in the Styles-Tomlinson household: Louis will drop the cushion and catch Harry’s wrists, pinning them to the floor and Harry will go pliant and still the very second they hit the wood.

Louis finds it incredibly hard not to throw all caution to the wind and wreck his boyfriend, who looks up at him trustingly and so, so in love – still, always and forever.

He doesn’t want to rush into things – can’t really, when there’s still this ugly secret sitting in a locked drawer a couple of rooms away.

Louis has yet to figure out how to deal with that, and as long as he doesn’t have a solution – hasn’t made a choice, really – he can’t rush back into things with Harry.

This is their end game, and Louis needs to make sure that nothing and no one will ever come between Harry and him again.

 

 

** 16/06 Copenhagen **

A constant buzz is what wakes Louis up.

He’s a little disoriented, not recognizing the room at first. There’s a solid, steadily breathing weight next to him, the only thing that is familiar.

_Harry._

Apparently taking it slow means waiting with sex is okay for Harry, but he’s made it clear that he’s not spending another night alone when he knows Louis is six feet away, down the corridor.

Louis doesn’t really have any objections, he always sleeps better with Harry next to him.

But having Harry in his room every night also means that the news will reach management sooner or later because as much as they have come to trust Paul and their team, Modest eventually finds out.

Talks with the Rovers have progressed, they’re close to coming to an agreement but Louis knows it’s only going so smoothly because Griffiths and Magee have decided not to interfere – for now.

Louis groans and reaches blindly for his phone, prepared to turn the alarm off when he sees the name flashing across the display.

His stomach drops. Looks like the reprieve is over.

He climbs out of bed, careful not to wake Harry and locks himself in the bathroom.

“Yes?” he snaps.

“Louis, good morning”

Good morning his ass, it’s barely six. What time do these people get up?!

“Something tells me my morning isn’t going to be so good”

Harry Magee chuckles and Louis balls his fist, biting down on his knuckles to stop himself from saying something that could ruin everything.

“Just wanted to make sure you haven’t yet forgotten about the offer. You’ve been awfully quiet during the last couple of days”

“Been busy. Tour and stuff, you know?”

“Ah yes, heard the talks with the Rovers are running smoothly, seems you’ve come close to an agreement… heard something about a press conference in a couple of days?” Louis bites his lips. Where the fuck do they get all this information from?

No one, not even the boys, know about the press conference yet.

“Is this a problem?”

“I don’t know, Louis. Is it? Or, let me rephrase – will it become one?”

“It’s six am, I’m afraid you need to stop talking in riddles”

“Fine. Then let me make it clear: we’ve been patient enough. I had expected an answer sooner than this but… maybe you need a little reminder”

“A little reminder?” suddenly he feels cold.

“I’m sure you’re happy to hear that your lovely girlfriend will be joining you in Paris”

“No” he says, out of impulse. He looks over but doesn’t see the closed door but the boy who’s fast asleep in his bed. The boy who’s been so happy during the last couple of days, who thought Eleanor had been a thing of the past. To be honest, Louis thought the same.

Their last couple of public appearances were cringe worthy at best, he doesn’t understand how people still believe he’s in love with that person when all they do is clearly annoy each other.

“Yes Louis. We’ve played nice so far, but we think it’s time to remind you who’s in charge here”

“As if you’d ever let us forget it for one day” he spits. “So is this how it’s going to be in the future? If we re-sign with you?  I do something you don’t agree with, Harry tweets something you don’t like and bam – Eleanor is back to _punish_ us?”

“Nah nah, let’s rather call it “an enforcement of your heterosexual image in the public eye”, shall we?”

“No one believes this shit anymore, Eleanor is almost as done with me as I am with her”

“Well, why don’t you sign the contract and maybe then we can discuss another… arrangement for the future?”

“What makes you believe I’d sign this shit?”

“The very same reason you haven’t yet signed with Azoff: You are afraid, Louis. Harry is ready to come out but are you? And you know you’d be dragged into the spotlight the very second he declares he’s gay. It’s inevitable. No more places to hide Louis. Are you ready for it?”

“Even if… I signed; you’d only have me… there’s no guarantee the other boys will sign as well”

“Harry hasn’t signed with them either” Where the fuck do they get this from? Louis had been so, so careful.

“So?” he sounds calmer than he is, pacing the small bathroom and worrying his lip.

“Harry would never sign without you. You know that. And if you and Harry backed out, the other guys wouldn’t go through with it either. You are a package deal, said so yourself numerous times”

Fuck Modest, fuck Harry Magee and fuck Louis stupid insecurities and fears.

“Harry seems okay, doesn’t he? I don’t see any reason why he shouldn’t be for another three years”

Louis sees numerous reasons why he _surely won’t_ be if they sign with Modest again.

“So Louis… tick tack, tick tack. Make your choice, but make it soon. Have a good show”

The line goes dead and Louis is tempted to throw the phone against the wall. He would if he wasn’t sure that Harry’d wake up and demand why he smashed his phone at six am.

And he can’t tell him. Harry would be so… sympathetic.

He’d tell Louis in the blink of an eye to sign this contract so he can finally – _finally_ – fulfill his childhood dream and buy the Rovers. Do something for himself, something that has nothing to do with the band or Harry, something that’d just make Louis happy for a change.

Yes, Harry would be all understanding and supportive, would swear up and down that another three years are nothing, that he is now strong enough to cope with Eleanor’s presence and the lack of interaction between them.

And then Louis would find him in some dingy bathroom once again, either crying or snorting coke. Or both.

Agreeing to the Rover’s deal would make Louis incredibly happy.

But signing with Modest would break Harry.

So he has the choice of being happy himself and breaking Harry’s heart or lose everything he worked for but make Harry happy.

*

Louis is off during the show.

Not bad enough for fans to catch on because it’s been ages since he jumped around on stage like Harry is doing right now but bad enough for Zayn to notice.

He doesn’t say anything during the show, just keeps shooting him these looks that say Louis won’t get away with a “I’m just tired” this time.

It’s when they’re back at the hotel, all making their way up to their rooms, that Zayn catches his arm. “You got a second? Need some help, mate”

Louis looks over to Harry but the other boy shrugs and nods, it’s not uncommon for Zayn and Louis to hang out before and after a show.

“Sure” Louis groans and lets himself be dragged off to Zayn’s room.

“Smoke?” The dark haired boy gestures towards the balcony and Louis doesn’t particular fancy a cigarette but goes anyway.

“So, are you going to tell me what crawled up your ass and died or do I have to alert Harry to your state of unease first?”

“I’m just tired…” doesn’t hurt to try.

“Bullshit, Tomlinson. We are all tired. We are all exhausted. You, my friend…” He lifts some strands of Louis sweaty hair. “Look like shit on a stick”

“Aren’t you quite the charmer?” Louis stubs his foot against the railing, staring into the night. “It’s nothing, Zayn”

“Mmh… so you’re meaning to tell me you’re perfectly fine. Happy all around”

“Yes. I am good. A bit tired and exhausted but fine” Louis presses through clenched teeth.

“Perfect. If you’re so fine and great and shit, you surely don’t mind telling me what that is…” Zayn slaps some papers in front of him and Louis only has to see the logo to nearly puke.

“Where the fuck did you get this from?” he whirls around, snatching the sheets out of Zayn’s fist.

Not very impressed by his sudden outburst, Zayn just points to his tee. “Asked you before the show if I could borrow a shirt, you shithead. Either hide your secrets better or tell me I’m not allowed to ruffle through your shit. You can call yourself lucky that Harry didn’t find them”

That is very true indeed. Harry is conveniently missing the concept of personal space when it comes to Louis and even so they started the tour with two separate suitcases, their stuff is a great big mess already (a mess Harry insists on folding and packing meticulously each time anew). Louis doesn’t mind, Harry always had free reign over all his things just like Louis did over Harry’s stuff.

Only now does it become a problem when Louis is trying to hide his secrets, to desperately shelter Harry.

“It’s not what it looks like” he tries lamely and Zayn snorts.

“What is it then? Because to me it looks like a brand new contract for 2016 with Modest and I was under the impression we already decided to kick them to the curb and go with Azoff?” Louis doesn’t say anything, just bunches the papers up further, biting his lip harder.

“Hey” Zayn carefully lays his hand on his shoulder. “Louis, mate. Talk to me. You are that close to breaking”

“I am fine” he presses through clenched teeth.

“You are anything but fine. Let me help… at least… let me listen, okay?”

“I can’t… if I tell you, you’ll want to help and… there is nothing you can do”

 “If I promise to just sit here and listen and not get involved will you tell me?”

Louis looks over to Zayn, watching as the other boy lights two cigarettes and offers one to Louis.

“Harry is going to kick me… that’s already number six today”

“Mmh” Zayn blows the smoke into the night. “You two are back for good?”

“Taking it slow” Louis mutters.

“That’s good. Was about time. You were like one of these rubber bands, being stretched to the limit and I was worried you’d snap and crash together with the loudest bang the world has ever seen”

Louis can’t help the small smile. He doesn’t manage one often these days, but the mention of Harry will always tickle one out of him. “Yeah… it was about time”

“He seems… better. More like his old self”

“He is. He’s…”

“Clean, healthy and finally at peace with himself”

“Yes” Louis couldn’t have said it better.

“So why aren’t you breaking out into the victory dance? You made it through hell and back and you came out stronger and better, more in love than I’ve ever seen you two before”

“Because of that” Louis waves the sheets. “Modest made me an offer”

“Modest made you an offer?” Zayn sounds as suspicious and disbelieving as possible. Louis can’t blame him, everything they had been offered so far came with a greater price than it was worth in the end.

“Yep. They figured out who tipped off Azoff, and they know we’ve been negotiating a new contract”

“Well… that kind of sucks but to be honest; no big fucking surprise. They didn’t really believe we’d stick with them after all the lies and shit they pulled?” Louis just lowers his gaze to the logo, glaring at them like an angry red light.

“You read through it didn’t you?”

“Yes” Zayn admits unabashed. “And you can’t seriously consider this Louis. It’d mean another three years of closeting, another three years of Eleanor and fake dates. You and Harry wouldn’t be able to talk, let alone touch, in public. Don’t tell me… jesus Lou, it’d kill Harry!”

“You think I don’t know that?” Louis snaps at Zayn. “You think I don’t fucking know what it’d do to my boyfriend? You just saw a fragment of how bad it was in 2013, how hard it had hit him. Why do you think I…” He cuts himself off.

“Why do I think what? _What did you do_?” Zayn nudges him. “Louis?”

“Why do you think I insisted on taking a break? Why do you think I struck a deal with Modest, saying I’d stay clear of him for a while, if they’d let him move to the States and give him some rest? Why do you think I picked the fucking house and even asked Nick Grimshaw for help to get Harry to move?”

“You…” Zayn sinks down on one of the sun loungers. “You did this? It was…”

“I had to get him out of London, didn’t I? Had to get him away from those people, from that party crew and all the drugs and drinks. He’d never left if we had still been together…”

“I thought… we all thought…”

“You all thought it was simply too much in the end? It was. Way too much. I couldn’t handle it, not on top of everything happening with Harry. Harry was at the edge and I wasn’t off much better …”

“It broke your fucking heart when he moved”

“It’d have broken my heart if he had stayed. I would have had to stand by and watch management run him into the ground”

“Kendall?”

“Yeah well, had to make some amends but they left him in peace most of the time”

“You fucking scheming bastard” there’s no venom in Zayn’s voice only surprise and something close to… adoration maybe. Neither of them had a clue how far Louis went, how much he gave up to see Harry safe and sound.

“Does he know?”

“No, and he never will. Understood?” After a while, Zayn nods and they both watch the smoke coiling up into the night.

“Explain to me one thing: If you did all this… why are you hesitating. Why do you have that contract sitting there, burning a hole through your pocket? Why don’t you rip it up and throw it in their face?”

“If I sign, they’ll give me the Rovers. If I decline, that’s it. The deal is off and they’ll start bringing Eleanor around again. They’ll try to make my and Harry’s life a living hell for the remaining one and a half years”

“They… they blackmailed you?”

“Cute that you still sound surprised. Good to know that you aren’t that tainted yet to just expect things like that to happen on a daily basis”

“Fuck, they can’t do this. You have been working on that deal for ages, it’s all you ever wanted. You invested months into this deal… I thought… it’s nearly done, no?”

“We were close yes, but that was before management got involved. Those issues they raised with regards to my or the band’s image? Bullshit. They were stalling. And it’s so fucking easy for them to do it… months of work and tons of money I invested, and fucking Magee or Griffiths flick their fingers and bam – off it is”

“So…?”

“So they’re giving me a _choice_ here, Zayn: Sign with them and drag all of you down with me. I’ll get the Rovers and won’t have to worry about coming out for another three years.

Or sign with Azoff and be dragged into the spotlight as well, because no one is going to believe I’m 100% straight once Harry comes out. And he will. They’ve got this whole plan set and ready to be executed”

“The choice is to either be happy and save yourself or have Harry happy and free? They’re making you choose between…?”

“Yes, they’re making me choose. Either I come out of this a winner but lose Harry. Or I get to keep Harry but the whole construct of lies and shade will come crashing down on me” Louis turns towards Zayn, looking him into the eyes for the first time. “And now tell me Zayn, what should I do?”

 

 

** 20/06 Paris **

“Nice interview… very professional” Harry tells him once he opens the door and Louis trots in.

He doesn’t think so… hell, he’s seen himself in the mirror before. He looks fucked, tired, eyes red and his hair a mess. Lou did her best to salvage what she could but with his lack of sleep and impending heartbreak… he still hasn’t given Modest an answer, still hasn’t told Harry that in a couple of hours from now, Eleanor will be here.

“You think?” he gives his boy a tired smile and lets himself be led to the bed. Just five more minutes of happy Harry, he tells himself, just five more minutes in their cozy little bubble before he has to bring his world crashing down once more.

Because no matter how strong and okay Harry believes he is, Louis knows that El’s appearance will be like a sucker punch for him. She’s been so conveniently absent from his life in the last couple of months that it’s easy to forget that technically she still has a binding contract.

“Yeah, you were well fit. My personal David Beckham” Harry leans down to kiss him gently, fingers dancing across his stomach, sneaking under his shirt to ruck it up.

Harry has become a little more insistent and creative with ways to try and seduce Louis and it’s only a matter of time until he succeeds. Louis isn’t a saint and Harry is still fucking fit.

“Babe, hang on. I need to talk to you for a second” Louis catches his fingers and Harry gives him an angry look. With his mane, all it does is make him look like a pouting kitten.

Louis pushes himself into some kind of sitting position and draws his boyfriend close. “Promise me it won’t change anything”

Harry, who was just about to give a content purr, freezes in his arms. Slowly, he sits back and stares at Louis. “No”

“Yes. She’s coming today. I’ll have to sit with her tomorrow before the show and spend some time with her after the concert”

“No. I thought… she hasn’t been around for ages! Who the fuck believes this shit anyway!” Harry yells, getting off the bed and pacing the room.

It’s so painfully familiar, the clenching of his fists and helpless cussing, the tight line of his shoulders and hurt look in his eyes. Louis feels like his heart is squeezed by an iron fist.

“Did you agree to this?” he snaps at Louis.

“I – what? No! Of fucking course not! When have I ever agreed to this?” Technically there was a time when he did agree to this, but that’s been years ago, when the thought of coming out was enough to make Louis run for the toilet. Had he known that he would sign away his freedom and personal happiness with that contract, he’d have torn it up and shouted from the highest rooftop that he was in love with Harry Styles.

“How long?”

“I don’t know yet”

“Is this because of the Rovers? Because they don’t like the deal?” He’s close but doesn’t quite hit home and if it was for Louis, Harry will never hear of this whole mess.

“Kind of, I guess they just finally realized that we’re… close again”

Harry huffs and drops onto the bed, looking small and fragile and Louis hates it.

“I’ll make it up to you, babe. Don’t be sad, please. I promise I’ll make it up” It’s the same old, hollow promise again. Because Louis can never _really_ make it up, can he? There’ll be another stolen weekend, another secret get away but he can never give Harry what he wants; to be out and proud, holding his boyfriend’s hand in public.

“I hate seeing you with her. I hate seeing how they parade you around, forcing that heterosexual image on you… I…” Harry balls his fists. “I just really hate it”

Louis watches Harry take a deep breath, pulling himself together. “Another eighteen months, right? Another eighteen months and we’ll be free”

Someone take a stake and put it through Louis heart, it’d surely be less painful.

His boyfriend gets up and climbs on Louis lap. “Next year after the tour I’m taking you away. I’ll kidnap you if I have to. Three weeks, just you and I. I already looked it up”

“What did you look up?” Louis pushes the hair away from Harry’s face, tugging some stray curls behind his ears.

“An island. It’s in the Caribbean, only accessible via speedboat. There’s no hotel, no resort just a villa with direct beach access. No people, no paps, no fans”

“Sounds too good to be true”

“It is. And I’m whisking you away to it” Harry kisses any protest away. “Stop arguing. Modest can flip the shit, I don’t care. Our contract will be almost over by then and they can’t do anything… we deserve this Lou. We fucking earned it! I haven’t been able to spend more than four days with you alone over the last fucking year… Just some time for you and I away from the world… it’s not too much to ask, is it?”

“No” he admits and Harry smiles, knowing he’s won. But how can Louis ever deny him anything when it makes him smile like that? Just the prospect of spending three weeks alone with Louis has put a shit eating grin on Harry’s face even so they’ll have to wait another twelve months for it to come true. “Let’s do this”

“And you know the best thing?” Harry nibbles along his neck, grinding his hips down onto Louis.

“Mmh?” he asks a little distracted.

“We’ll only need one bag… I don’t intend to wear any clothes for three weeks, so I guess a toothbrush and some lube should be enough, what do you think?” he emphasizes his words with a filthy slide of his erection along Louis crotch.

“Fuck, Harry”

“Yes, pretty please” the younger boy mouths hungrily along Louis neck. “Do you think I get told off if I leave a hickey?”

“Do you care?” Louis pulls him back by his hair, making Harry whimper.

“No. Do you?”

“Never” Louis angles his head up, meeting Harry in a hungry kiss.

Harry looks for some leverage before he slides his hips against Louis with clear intent, making his boyfriend gasps and groan.

“Slow down, love, it’s been months” Louis whispers, hot lips tracing the stuttering pulse along Harry’s neck.

“Can’t” Harry all but moans, grinding down harder and it feels fucking amazing.

Louis' parents have warned him of all sorts of temptations the industry would hold, have told him about the risk of becoming addicted to all sorts of drugs but they’ve never warned him of the sweetest, most tempting and addictive drug of all: a green eyed boy with curls.

“Need…” Harry croaks and slides off Louis lap, fumbling with the belt and buttons while he slides onto the floor and Louis wants to stop him but his hands are shaking so bad, his whole body thrumming with need and want.

His pants and briefs are yanked off without much finesse, Harry’s only intention to get him naked and get him there fast.

He wraps his huge hand around Louis cock, the precome already dribbling on his fingers and he fucking licks his lips like it’s the last drop of water in the desert.

“If you want me to stop…” Harry looks up at him, pupils blown and almost black. “Make me”

With that he licks a long stripe along Louis aching cock, tonguing at the slit and humming in pleasure when he gets a small taste of Louis.

He sucks gingerly around the head, teasing and tempting and Louis has the duvet bunched up in his fists, fighting hard not to buck his hips and choke Harry. He knows he could, knows Harry wouldn’t object if Louis were to wrap his hand in his hair and force his head down onto his cock. Harry would even like that.

But Louis is still arguing with himself, on the one hand Harry’s mouth is sinful and after months of having only his hand to keep him company, it feels like teetering along the highest cliff, a delicious and endless drop into oblivion. On the other… he knows that Harry’s eagerness and need is partly fuelled by jealousy and Louis is still keeping so much from him.

How can he sleep with Harry if he’s still lying to him? Whether it’s to protect him or not, he’s still not telling his boyfriend the truth.

“Babe… we… fuck… maybe… slow? Take it… slow?”

Harry pulls off with an obscene noise. “No… no, I won’t fucking take it slow. I need this… I fucking need _you_ right now”

He sucks Louis down in a fluid motion, working through his gag reflex when he hits the back of his throat until he can swallow him down further. Louis is seeing stars.

It’s hot and it’s quick and there’s a lot of pent up hurt, anger and desperation in the way Harry is working Louis cock, but also still the same want, need and lust, this heady mix which explodes and makes Louis dizzy whenever him and Harry are together.

He doesn’t even realize he’s started bucking his hips up until Harry moans obscenely loud and Louis looks down in time to see his plump lips stretched and glossy from spit and come, tears leaking through his long lashes.

He’s the epitome of a gorgeous, wrecked mess, so beautifully sinful that Louis breath catches.

“Close, Haz… so close… feels so good… I’m…” Harry pulls off and sits back on his haunches, locking his arms behind his back, mouth slightly open.

Louis feels his brain short-circuiting, getting a hand around himself before he’s made the conscious decision to act, pumping his dick once, twice before he comes all over Harry’s face.

Harry just takes it, licking his lips greedily when the first drip of come splashes across his lips and cheek, sticking in his curls.

Louis can’t do anything but breathe for a couple of seconds after, blood rushing through his veins and everything is just white noise, the only thing in focus being the boy on his knees in front of him.

It’s the low whimpered “Lou” that gets him out of his trance.

Pulling Harry onto the bed, he takes his shirt off to wipe some of the come off of Harry’s face, yanking his jeans down at the same time.

“Such a good boy… fuck, Harry, that was…” Louis wraps a hand around Harry’s dick, feeling the young boy shudder and whine.

“Please, please, please” he begs, writhing on the sheets and kicking the duvet off the bed.

Louis is all too willing to comply, pumping Harry hard and fast, flicking his wrist just the way Harry likes it, thumb tracing the head on every upstroke.

It doesn’t take long for Harry to come all over his chest, getting his shirt messy and sticky, some even hitting his chin.

Louis wipes some of it off, mixing it with his come still on Harry’s cheek before he brings it to his lips, Harry sucking his fingers down hungrily.

It’s enough to make Louis dick twitch with interest again.  

“Now we can go back to taking it slow…” Harry mutters, sated and sleepily, but a dopy grin on his face.

Louis kisses his lips and lets Harry curl into his side. “There was never anything slow with how I fell in love with you… it was all at once, you had all of me, all at once”

Harry makes a happy humming noise, hiding his face in Louis hair, very possibly smearing some of the come into it. He doesn’t care.

“All of me… loves all of you” he tells Harry.

 

 

** 22/06 Paris **

Harry had only stopped to drag Louis into the greenroom and slammed the door in Liam’s confused face before he had kissed him feverishly.

It caught Louis a little off guard how Harry had crowded him against the door, lips hot and urgent on his and his hands had dropped to Harry’s belt before he remembered that they weren’t alone and there were still people on the other side of the door.

There had been a time when they didn’t care who saw or caught them, drunk on love and high on each other. Niall had walked in on them so many times that Louis suspected at least 30% of it was intentional. Niall never denied or confirmed anything, always skipping away with a mad cackle and the threat to leak the non-existent sex tape.

“I’ll see you soon” Harry had sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, more biting than kissing him. “Miss you already”

And then he was gone. Nearly tripping over his own feet in his haste to flee the venue, unable to stay another second when ‘she’ was there.

Harry had tried to hide it, had tried to put on a brave face but Louis had seen it one too many times: His beautiful boy had worn the look of heartbreak and despair too often over the last years for him not to recognize it.

It had always hit Louis hard, the utter helplessness – no words, no touch could set it right, no matter how tight he’d hold Harry, no matter how often he’d told him he loved him – but with the choice he had to make, it was enough to nearly bring him to his knees.

*

“You’re not very talkative” Eleanor flicked her hair over her shoulder, leading – dragging  – him along through some crowded sidewalk in Paris.

“Just don’t really have anything to say to you” Louis replies, careful to keep a neutral face and tone. They’ve already been spotted and Louis wouldn’t be surprised if there weren’t at least 10+ photos of them going round on twitter and tumblr by now. “Except that these are the ugliest shoes I have ever seen”

“Only for you, babe” Eleanor reaches back and traces her hand along his arm. To anyone looking it might seem genuine but Louis has to do his best not to flinch back.

“Are we almost done?” Louis looks over to his bodyguard.

“Car’s waiting around the corner”

“Perfect” Eleanor doesn’t have to fake the relief in her voice this time.

Louis picks up the pace, for the first time not dragging his feet and is in the car quicker than El, not bothering to hold the door for her.

“So that was fun” she already has her phone out, fingers flying over the screen.

“A blast” Louis agrees, leaning his head against the window. He doesn’t need to look at his phone to know there won’t be a text or missed call from Harry. He just hopes his boyfriend managed to stay away from twitter, that Lou made good on her promise to confiscate his phone.

Harry has a tendency to torture himself with things he can’t change, his favorite being to look up pics and tweets of Elounor shippers when Louis is send out with her.

It’s not like Louis’ never done it, that god damn NYE kiss with fucking Taylor Swift played on a loop for 24hours until Zayn threw his laptop out of the window (Zayn is still looking to replace all the illegally downloaded movies he destroyed that day) but over time, Louis managed to distance himself a little from those publicity stunts. Of course, it still hurts. Of course Louis would be the first to throw a fit whenever Modest approached Harry with yet another plan to set him up with some moronic singing, acting Model and yes, he too would look at the pictures – how could he not when they’d be plastered on every magazine cover?

But unlike Harry, he learned to not let them haunt him. He doesn’t know if Harry is still afraid that he’ll just be a phase for Louis, that one day he’ll wake up and actually like boobs or that Louis will come to the conclusion that he never wants to come out and keep Harry as his dirty secret forever.

They’ve been together for four years, through ups and downs, to hell and back. Still, Louis thinks that Harry hasn’t realized yet that Louis would give his everything for him.

Maybe Louis hasn’t realized it either.

“El?”

“Mmh?”

“I need to talk to you”

“Mmh”

“Mind looking at me for a second?”

She huffs but lowers the phone. “Yes, Louis?”

At some point, he thought El and he could have become friends. At some point, she might have actually liked him. But as Modest dragged it on, dragged them out into the spotlight even so most fans took an instant dislike to her, it became their own personal hell. Louis can’t even blame her, not for finally giving up and stop trying to keep up with the appearance because he did the same.

It’s a wasted effort, hard to play the happy and loving boyfriend when he knows his gorgeous boy is hiding in some dark hotel room, crying and cursing fate.

But they’re legally bound to play the couple for another year.

“I need to talk to you”

“Heard you the first time. Now?”

“Later. Dinner?”

Eleanor looks surprised. It’s been ages since Louis had asked her to grab a bite to eat or just hang out when there weren’t any cameras around.

“I… sure”

“Good” he tags on a “thanks” for good measure.

*

He’s ten minutes late because even so he knows Harry prefers radio silence while he’s out with Eleanor, he just had to leave him a voicemail, telling him how beautiful he is and that Louis couldn’t wait to see him again. It might be a wasted effort, Harry might delete the voicemail without listening to it but Louis just had to try.

Eleanor has conquered a table in the back. It’s secluded so they can talk without being overheard. She’s also ordered a bottle of his favorite red wine, having to spend numerous fake dinner dates eventually made her aware of the fact that he’s not the biggest fan of white. Louis takes this as a positive sign.

“Sorry”

“It’s okay” she mutes her phone before sliding it into her pocket. “Been on the phone to Harry?”

“Tried… he didn’t pick up”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I thought… they’d let it rest, you know?”

“So did I but I guess…”

“You and Harry back together?” it’s the most logical explanation, whenever Louis and Harry would get too close, Eleanor would get a call.

“Taking it slow but yeah…”

“Good. That’s good Lou, I’m… well, I’m happy for you”

It’s a little surprising because after a while, Louis had just stopped talking to her about Harry (there was no use and Harry had asked him not to do it) and El offered less and less information about her private life too. When Louis looks at her now, he thinks that yes, in another time they could have been friends but then management got in the way.

“So I guess… we’ll be seeing more of each other in the near future?” she sounds tired and Louis wonders if there’s someone waiting for her. A boy she’d like to see openly, someone who wants to take her out on dates and vacations and post stupid adorable pictures of them kissing.

“That’s the reason I wanted to talk to you… Management made me an offer”

“Don’t take it” she replies out of impulse and Louis has to laugh. It’s the first genuine laugh El managed to startle out of him in months.

“Sorry” she grins sheepishly. “Guess I shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me without asking what this great offer entails first”

Louis has to wait for a second when the waiter comes and takes their orders. “You know that I’m trying to buy the Rovers?”

“It was brought to my attention, yes. Heard it’s going good, no?”

“It was… until management got involved” Louis runs a hand through his hair. “They started interfering in the beginning of June, been stalling the talks with an issue about image rights for a while… basically they just wanted to show me that they could flick their finger and everything I have been working towards for the last months would be gone in a split second”

“But… that’s… fuck, that’s awful!” after all the animosity between them, it’s quite nice to see Eleanor angry on his behalf. “They can’t do that!”

“It’s payback” Louis shrugs even so he doesn’t feel half as cool as he tries to come across. “They eventually figured out who brought Harry in contact with Azoff, who tipped them off that we were looking for a new management, new image…”

El doesn’t say anything for a couple of seconds, just gapes at him. “Cunning bastard, aren’t you?”

“Did you really think I’d stand by and watch them run Harry into the ground? Watch as they run us into the ground? We’ve been working too damn hard for this, gave up too much and just because we grew up and aren’t their cute little puppies anymore they think they can cut us off? Please El, their lack of promo and their unwillingness to schedule any interviews is ridiculous! We’re working on our fourth album, we’re set to fly to the States in a bit and how many interviews do we have scheduled? Zero. No KCA’s, no VMA’s… it’s a joke”

“And… Azoff…?”

“100% say in any decision, we write our own music, chose the producers we want to work with. No more stupid PR stunts, no more bearding. More promo, more interviews… we might have to cut down a little on the number of concerts but it’d be tours that wouldn’t drain the life out of us by the time they’re half way through”

“And… with regards to your image?” she phrases it carefully.

“Harry is free as soon as the contract with Modest is over. Azoff won’t force him to pretend to be something he’s not”

They both wait while their plates are put in front of them. “What about you, though? Don’t get me wrong, I think… it sounds pretty damn great. It’s what all of you have been working towards but… are _you_ ready for this, Lou?” she gives him a concerned glance across the table and for a second Louis thinks she’ll reach out to touch his hand. “When we started this…” she motions between the two. “… it seems ages ago now but…”

“I was scared shitless at the prospect of coming out? Yes”

“So has it changed? With all due respect and besides the fact that I think it will be great for Harry to finally be free and be able to be who he really is – are you? Because they’ll look at you too, Lou. You’ll be under an even bigger microscope than you are now”

“I know” he sighs.

It’s nothing new, something that’s kept him awake countless nights. Ever since he first brought Harry and the Azoff’s in contact (Louis thought they’d get on, he didn’t expect them to hit it off like that but it’s a bonus to know Harry’s found some genuine friends over in the States), ever since Harry started _publicly_ hanging out with the Azoff’s the pressure on Louis had only increased.

Back then, his main objective was to find a way out for Harry, to give him something to cling to, something he’d keep fighting for. In the back of his mind, Louis knew that freeing Harry would mean facing his own demons and fears but it was so far away back then… He’s always been a master at avoiding unpleasant things and he’s put making a decision about coming clean off for far too long.

“So what’s Modest got to do with everything?”

“It’s quite simple: Sign with Azoff and the Rovers deal is off. I get to choose between making Harry happy or making myself happy”

“Fuckers” Eleanor says whole-heartedly.

“Yep” Louis reaches for the bottle and tops off both their glasses. “That’s why I needed to talk to you”

She doesn’t say anything for a while, just sits there looking at him curiously before she sighs. “Does Harry know about any of this?”

“No, and he won’t”

“Right…”

“Look El, I know it sucks and I know you were hoping you’d seen the last of me…”

“Don’t say it” she holds up her hand but there’s a genuine smile playing around her lips. “You’re not here _to talk_ to me, Lou. You’re here _to tell_ me because let’s face it… you made that decision a long time ago”

 

 

** 07/07 Turin **

“What the fuck?”

Louis groans and grumbles, trying to hide his face in the pillow. When the bed suddenly dips down he growls, flinging his arm out mindlessly but doesn’t manage to catch Harry.

He only hears him pad across the floor, up and down, up and down, huffing and mumbling.

With a heavy heart Louis says goodbye to his planned lie in and lazy morning sex. Harry is pacing the floor, starkers and hair a fuzzy halo around his head. He looks a bit cute.

“What’s wrong?” Louis croaks and Harry stops his pacing to shoot him a look, smile tugging at the corners of his mouth when he sees Louis all sleep-rumpled. “Don’t say ‘nothing’. I can tell something is wrong” Louis heaves himself up in a sitting position. “Tell me”

“Have…” Harry bites his lips and comes over, shoulders slightly hunched. “Here, look at my fav’s” he holds his phone out and Louis reaches for his glasses, haphazardly thrown onto the bedside table.

They’ll need to pack and leave for Barcelona eventually, making sure to arrive separately so people won’t actually believe that they get on. God beware if someone were to see Louis and Harry together, laughing instead of glaring at the mortal enemy. But for now, they’re mercifully still left in peace, no calls, no knocks on the door – just Louis and Harry and a few precious hours to themselves.

Louis reaches for his boyfriend’s phone and it takes him a moment to actually understand why Harry is so upset and then another second to click on the tweet he faved and to check out the account.

He’s out of bed and on the phone faster than Harry can react.

“Fuck you” he spits.

“Louis, nice of you to call, let me put you on speaker since I believe the rest missed that lovely good morning… Richard is here with me as well as your head of PR…”

“Fuck you!” he repeats, throwing the door close behind him. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

“Depends. What are we talking about now?”

“Leave Harry alone” Louis is seething. It’s been a while since they’ve messed with Harry’s account like that. Him and even Liam, yes, that’s something he’s used to, tweets or fav’s appearing even so Louis hadn’t been on in ages but Harry… and hurting Harry just to put pressure on Louis…

“You think that’ll work in your favor? Are you that dumb?”

“Now Louis, this is just something minor, not worth kicking a fuss like that, yes? Calm down, boy”

“Don’t tell me what to do” He grinds his teeth.

“It’s just a little reminder. You know: Tick tack, Louis. We want an answer”

This time, Louis actually throws the phone across the corridor, nearly taking Zayn out who was unfortunate enough to stick his head out of his room.

 

 

** 13/07 Porto  **

It’s become quite clear that the crowd funder will not reach its set target. They still got a couple of days but who’s he kidding? Louis would have all the means to finance the club without the funder but… Modest would have to give the get go and so far, they’re still holding out.

He’s lying on stage, spread-eagled during sound check while the rest is bouncing around, just staring at the sky.

Fuck, that deal means a lot to him. It’s his freaking childhood dream, he’s been working so hard for this, wants it so much.

“ _I’m in love with Lou and all his little things_ ” he turns his head when Harry’s voice drifts through the speakers, seeing his boyfriend walk towards him, hair pulled up in a bun and grin on his face. “ _Even so he doesn’t pay attention to me and keeps staring at the sky_ …” he keeps on singing and Louis chuckles.

Harry plops down on top of him rather ungracefully, leaning down to give him the sweetest kiss.

“Are you okay? You seemed off during the last couple of days?” a line appears between Harry’s eyebrows and Louis traces his thumb along it, smoothing the line out.

“Just a bit stressed because of the deal”

“You really want it bad” Harry shuffles closer.

“I do”

“It’ll work out” he pecks his nose. “Louis Tomlinson, singer and manager of the Rovers”

“Forgot the most important part” he pulls Harry in by his necklace, bringing their lips together. Niall makes a gagging noise somewhere behind them but Louis couldn’t care less.

“Which would be?”

“Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles’ boyfriend and future husband”

Harry beams at him. “That sounds even better” he admits. “Love you”

“Love you too. Can you get up for a second?”

“Umh sure” Harry struggles to his feet, helping Louis up.

“I’ll be back in a sec, okay?” he kisses him again, longer and deeper than what’d be deemed publicly appropriate, ignoring Paul’s warning glance.

“Sure” Harry replies a little dazed and Louis suddenly has a hard time letting go of his hand.

He walks until the far end of the stage, out of earshot of the rest and pulls out his mobile.

“Louis” Richard Griffiths doesn’t sound surprised.

“Harry”

“What?”

“You wanted my answer. You wanted me to choose”

“We…”

“Harry. I choose Harry”

“You know what that means for your deal? Everything you worked for?”

“There are more important things in life” Louis says, taking a deep breath.

Fuck, he really wanted that club. He turns back around and sees Harry balancing along the edge of the stage, Niall half a step behind him so he can catch him before he tumbles off.

“No turning back, Louis. If you –“

“Wouldn’t turn back for the world. Got my whole future ahead of me”

“We’re serious about this, you know”

“So am I. Dead serious. I choose Harry” Louis hangs up and jumps when Zayn suddenly appears next to him.

“You okay?”

“I will be” It’s not a lie this time. _They_ will be okay.

“Pretty grand gesture” Zayn says casually. “Know it’d have meant a lot to you”

“It would have, yes. But I guess other things mean even more”

Zayn nods and claps his hand around his shoulder, pulling him into a quick hug.

Giving up on one of his dreams hurts, but then he and Zayn are walking up to the rest and Harry does a little twirl, falling into Louis waiting arms and everything hurts a little less.

 

 

** 18/07 London **

When the news hit, it’s sweet to see how outraged and angry most of the fans are. It’s always nice to see that kind of support.

Louis knew Modest wouldn’t allow him to buy the club now, though he’s impressed with the way they managed to allocate the blame. He has a little chuckle because as if they hadn’t checked with the Football League first and foremost before they even started the talks but hey, if that’s the tale management wants to spin…

He told Harry this morning, nearly making the other boy jump into his car and drive all the way to Doncaster so he could cuddle and comfort him. If Harry hadn’t been invited to the Warner Music party, maybe Louis would have let him.

Having gotten comfortable in front of the telly, Louis is startled by his phone. It’s still too early for one of Harry’s famous drunken texts and he’s already spoken to all of the other boys today.

“ _So… imagine… I’m at this party. With some music exes… we got talking and there’s an interesting rumor going round_ ”

Oh. He’s about to type a reply and tell Harry not to listen to everything some tipsy music executive tells him but then:

“ _Louis William Tomlinson! What the fuck_!”

Louis will never not be surprised by the speed with which rumors travel and how people who have nothing to do with them find out stuff like this.

“ _Sorry_?”

“ _Not good enough, I want an explanation! How long have you been keeping this from me_?”

“ _First I’d need to know what exactly you heard…_ ”

“ _OMG!_ _How much have you been keeping from me_?”

Louis throws the cover off and grabs his keys. It’s only a 90 minutes’ drive, he’ll be home way before Harry.

*

By the time he walks through the front door of their London residence, he’s got a couple of more angry texts, missed calls and the threat to call Harry Magee to ask _him_ what’s going on.

Louis snorts a laugh and hits speed dial.

“What do you want?” Harry growls but he sounds like a peeved baby lion. All cute roars but no teeth behind the bites.

“Come home” Louis simply says and he swears he hears Harry’s breath stutter at the other end of the line.

“What?”

“I think it’s time, don’t you? Come home” Louis replies with a little more urgency.

“But Louis… the club… management…the offer...”

“Who told you?”

Harry sniffles a little and Louis wants him here _now_ so he can take care of his boy. “Zayn” he replies in a timid voice.

“Bastard” he says, but it doesn’t hold any conviction. “Everything?”

“Why didn’t _you_ tell me?” he can hear Harry move through the club, away from the noise.

“Wasn’t your choice to make, babe”

“But…”

“Hey… I promise we’ll talk about and I’ll explain but… can you come _home_ now?” Louis clears his throat.

“Are you… do you mean?”

“I think it’s about time, don’t you?”

“Yes” Harry breathes softly. “It’s about fucking time. Wait for me, okay? I’ll be there in a bit”

*

It’s only thirty minutes later that Louis hears the key turn.

Finally Harry doesn’t knock anymore. He hears his boyfriend toe off his boots, hears the rustling of fabric and sees Harry’s silhouette appear in the doorway.

“Hi”

“Hey” Louis replies softly. “Welcome home”

He didn’t turn on any lights, only opened the blinds and curtains to let the moonlight into the bedroom but he can still see Harry’s face, his happy smile.

Louis watches him undo the rest of the buttons of his light blue shirt, letting it fall carelessly to the floor. He shimmies out of his black skinnies, kicking them into the far corner of the room.

“Styles… commando to official events? Have you run out of clean briefs or do I need to worry that you’re looking for a quick hook-up?”

“Shut up” Harry crawls onto the bed, sliding his body along Louis’.

The moonlight bathes Harry in a silver glow, making his natural pale skin appear like porcelain, breathing life into his tattoos.

“And what’s your excuse? Been waiting for your lover?” Harry traces his lips along Louis collarbones, more breathing on him than kissing him.

Louis growls low in his throat. “Been waiting for my boyfriend to come home”

Harry looks up, the green eyes bright and almost glowing. “He’s home now. So what are you going to do with him now that you got him?”

“Mmh” Louis takes Harry’s hand, kissing his fingers one by one before he slides it along his body, between his legs to where he’s already open and wet. “Thought he might have an idea or two?” Harry’s breath catches and he pushes against Louis rim, spreading the wetness.

“Took you ages to get here” Louis whispers, leaning forward to catch Harry’s lips. Sinking his sharp little canines into his bottom lip, Harry hisses, finger breaching the first tight ring of muscles.

Louis loses his rhythm, breathing out a moan. He made good use of those thirty minutes, having fingered himself open for Harry but his boyfriend’s fingers are another story.

“Feels good?” Harry has lowered his head, sucking a bruise just below the line of where his shirt collar would be.

“You know it feels amazing” Louis groans. “Fucking tease”

Harry searches around the bed until his hand closes around the lube, quickly coating his fingers to add a second and make Louis’ chest rise of the bed.

“God I missed this” Harry leans in and closes his mouth around Louis nipple, working his fingers expertly inside of him.

Louis would like to agree but has conveniently lost the ability of speech. It’s been too long since he had Harry touch him like that, now every touch, every kiss feels like a sensual overload.

He lies helplessly as Harry traces every line on his body, thoughtful and deliberate, looking for even the slightest change and commanding it to memory. He visits all the spots which make Louis squirm, patiently searching for new ones and Louis thinks he’s not going too last. He’s strung tight, no longer in control over his body, helplessly grinding back on Harry’s fingers, breathy moans and tiny whimpers leaving his lips.

He’s a mess.

“Can’t… much longer” he croaks, shaking his head when Harry yet again brushes over his prostate, more the ghost of a touch than the friction Louis is craving.

Harry just looks at him before he dives down and Louis expects some hungry and hard kiss but instead, his boyfriend kisses him tenderly, like he’s made of glass and the most precious thing Harry ever held in his hands.

It leaves Louis dizzy, overcome with feelings, overcome with love for this boy.

“Are you sure?” he struggles to open his eyes, seeing Harry kneel between his spread legs, hands clenched into fists and arms trembling.

“Are _you_ sure?” Louis shoots back and Harry nods.

“Yes” He slowly traces his fingers along Louis thigh. “Never been surer about anything in my whole life”

Louis reaches out and tangles his fingers with Harry, slowly pulling him closer. “Good. Because I want this. More than anything”

“I love you” the younger boy tells him while he’s slowly burying himself in Louis, careful not to go too fast but strumming with lust nevertheless.

They’re still locked in a kiss when Louis finally whispers “Move” and Harry complies with a breathless laugh and snap of his hips.

They’ve had all sorts of sex over the years; nervous and shy, fumbling with lube and condoms, both giggling and clueless because it was their first time with a boy. Quick and dirty sex against walls, in bunks, dressing rooms, bathrooms… semipublic places. Hot and heavy, taking hours to bring the other to the edge over and over again, making each other cry with pleasure and because it felt too good to take it any longer. Slow, tender and gentle sex during dawn, when the world has yet to wake up and catch on.

Somehow this feels like a mixture of all those kinds but then again like something entirely different. Harry is as gentle and slow with him as he was during their first time, but also hungry and dirty, thrusting his hips just right to hit Louis spot and make him moan over and over again.

It’s when Harry laces his fingers with Louis, pushing himself slightly up so he can look at him that Louis realizes this isn’t sex. Harry isn’t just fucking him… that’s making love.

As cheesy and sappy as it sounds, Louis can’t find any other words for it and he chokes up.

Harry must see the moment it dawns on him, because he holds him closer, a little tighter.

“I _missed_ you” it carries so much more meaning than those three simple words. “God, I missed you so much” his thrusts become harder, deeper and Louis arches his back to get closer, impossibly closer.

“No more missing, babe…” Louis locks eyes with him and Harry must see how close Louis is, doubling his efforts, sending Louis spiraling. “You’re home… for good. Never letting you go… again” words don’t come easily but he manages with a trembling voice and heat curling along his spine, racing through his veins and then… he drops. A free fall into nothing but ecstasy.

He can feel Harry’s hips stutter, feels him still before he comes inside of Louis.

There’s still static in his ears when Harry kisses him a little sloppily, trembling and just coming down from his high.

He rolls of him carefully, falling onto his back and breathing hard. “Best homecoming ever”

Louis blindly flings his hand out, slapping his hip instead of his chest. “Shut up”

They lie together, just breathing for a while but somehow Harry’s hand finds its way into Louis’.

“Grab the envelope on the bedside table, will you?” Louis mumbles.

“What is it?”

“Well, why don’t you open it since it’s got your name on it and all?”

Harry grumbles something about bedside manners and ungrateful boyfriends but rips the envelope open nevertheless.

“Are you… shit, Lou. Are you sure?”

“Hell yeah. I am not going to my mother’s wedding without my boyfriend”

“But management…”

“Fuck management” Louis turns around, probing himself up so he can look at Harry. His curls are matted to his temple, chest still glistening with a tiny layer of sweat. Louis will never get over his beauty, especially when it’s sprung on him like this, unexpected and natural.

“I don’t have an outfit…?” Harry begins and Louis nods his head towards the wardrobe.

“Called Lou, she has sent something over”

“But I thought Eleanor…”

“Yeah well, she’ll be there too. Got her a brand new pair of Birkies to wear, so she’ll better show up”

“You are the worst fake-boyfriend ever”

“As long as I’m the best real-boyfriend ever, I don’t care”

“You are” Harry reaches up and pulls him down into a kiss. “But don’t you for a second believe I forgot what you did, you bastard. Can’t believe you kept this from me?”

“Can you be angry at me tomorrow?” Louis yawns and stretches, feeling his back pop. “I’d really like a good cuddle and an even better sleep. This bed is way too big for one, you know?”

“Was never meant for one” Harry mutters, crumpling the pillow so he can get comfortable. “Come here, yeah?”

Louis goes easily, fitting his body to Harry’s, a content sigh on his lips when he feels his boyfriend’s arm sneaks around him, pulling him closer.

It’s the best to fall asleep next to Harry, no matter where they are.

But it’s perfect to fall asleep next to Harry when they are at _home_.

 

** 20/07 Doncaster **

“Babe, are you going to take those sunglasses off at some point?”

“If I stop crying at some point, than yes. I look like a mess” Harry pouts and tries to wipe his eyes discretely without knocking the shades off of his nose.

“You know you’re beautiful even when you cry”

“Stop being nice to me or I’ll start bawling” Harry shoves him but uses it as an excuse to quickly grab his hand as well.

Louis shoots a quick glance over his shoulder, making sure the photographers are gone and no one has pointed their phone directly at them.

“Come on” he tugs at his wrist but his boyfriend puts his heels into the ground.

“Your mum is about to have her first dance with Dan!”

“I’ve seen them dance millions of times before” Louis pulls a little harder but Harry is stubborn like a donkey.

“It’s their wedding dance”

“And long may they live” Louis rolls his eyes. “They won’t miss us. In fact… _everyone_ will be so focused that _no one_ will miss us” he makes sure to let the innuendo swing in his voice.

“Oh” suddenly Harry drags him through the tent. “Why didn’t you say so?!”

The younger boy is about to pull him towards the hotel but Louis stops him, rather pointing to the open field, scarcely lit by some fairy lights and torches.

“What time is your pick up?”

“At 4am” Harry frowns. “What time’s yours?”

“Noon” Louis wriggles his eyebrows and Harry huffs. “I get the lie-in”

“Yeah well… see if anyone picks you up from the airport” he grumbles.

“Aw, Harry Styles… you’d leave your poor boyfriend all alone at LAX? To fend for his own? What if the fans catch me? What if the paps get tipped off?”

“You’re flying in with a bloody private jet, no one is going to notice… are they?”

“Not if my boyfriend will send a car to pick me up as he promised, no. And if he’s really nice and sweet, he might even get a welcome blowjob”

“Shouldn’t I give you one, since you’re visiting and all?”

“Won’t see me complain”

“Louis?”

They both turn around at the sound, seeing Eleanor walk quickly across the lawn. Louis can feel Harry tense, but he doesn’t say anything, just holds onto his hand a bit tighter.

“Sorry” she shoots Harry an apologetic smile. “Just wanted to say bye”

“You’re leaving?”

“Yeah… I guess everyone got their picture, didn’t they?” she combs out her hair. “And it’s a family event after all so… I guess it’s time that I’ll leave”

“Thanks for coming” ever since Paris, they’ve at least managed to work up to a neutral, friendly tone towards each other but that might also be due to the fact that they agreed to spite Modest as much as they could.

Louis showed up to Eleanor’s graduation dressed like something that crawled out of a ditch and she promised to bring her manicure set to the next concert so she could at least do something productive and paint her nails.

It might turn into a contest of who manages to give the least shit but… well, at least it’d be kind of fun then.

“Oh… by the way…” she digs through her bag and hands Louis a bunch of papers. “Nearly forgot to give you these”

“Everything set?”

“Mmh, it’s under my name, just in case… but yeah. Booked, confirmed, all good. Have fun guys, I’ll see you around” she gives them a short wave, hitching her long dress up slightly before she disappears into the night again.

“What was all that about?”

“Little surprise for you” Louis quickly flicks through the papers, seeing she managed to book the villa on the Bahamas. It’s not the three week vacation Harry wanted but Louis reckons it’s better than nothing. He went through their schedule, looked up every break they had and vowed to spend it MIA and with Harry if somehow possible. If management grows an aneurysm because of it, so be it. See if he gives a damn.

“Lou… I’m not sure if I can handle any more surprises at the moment to be honest” Harry lets go of his hands and walks a little further. He hunches his shoulders a little and Louis could bet he’s biting his lip. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Louis sighs, closing up to Harry and falling in step with him.

“Because it wasn’t _your_ choice. Not _your_ decision to make”

“But I could have helped you. You know… if I knew I would have supported you. I could have handled another three years…”

“You couldn’t. I couldn’t for sure”

“Lou… you wanted this for so long. We would have found a way. I don’t… I want you to do something selfish from time to time, okay? Forget about me, the boys and the band… and simply do something because it’d make _you_ happy! You deserve something that only belongs to you, you know?”

Louis stops Harry with a gentle hand, waiting until he’s turned around and looks at him.

“This might have been the most selfish thing I ever did”

“I – what? How? Louis, you lost, okay? _You lost the club_!”

“So what?” he shrugs and has to smile when he sees the confused smile on his boyfriends face. “Harry, that club would have made me happy for… a year? Two? Maybe a bit longer but… I can’t come home to a bloody football club, can I?

It won’t stand in the kitchen at the ass crack of dawn after some yoga session in our living room, making me a cup of tea exactly the way I like it. It won’t kiss me good morning or good night, it won’t hold my hand or tickle me, it won’t cuddle up on the sofa with me to watch tragic, stupid rom coms, won’t lecture me on living and eating healthy. It’ll never make my breath catch because it’s simply beautiful, it won’t argue with me about stupid things, won’t cry with me, won’t hold me through any thunderstorm. It won’t ever fall asleep in my arms and be there every morning when I wake up for the rest of my life.

I have been incredibly selfish, Harry.

I choose my personal happy ending. _My_ forever. You’re the end and the beginning and everything in between, babe. And I don’t intend to ever give you back, I will selfishly keep you for the rest of my life.   

So even when I lose I’m still winning, because I have _you_. Nothing will ever compare to this, ever be a match for what we have. It’s everything. You’re my all.

So I choose you. I choose to take every step of the way with you, side by side.

I choose you.

In a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred words, in any version of reality.

I choose you”

“Oh God Louis” Harry is crying, tears running down his face and Louis carefully wipes them away. “Fuck you and your grand romantic gestures” but he smiles, he smiles through his tears and it’s so, so beautiful.

“Got another one…” Louis unrolls the papers and reaches for the pen in his suit jacket. “Need your signature”

“What…” Harry looks over, eyes flitting over the small writing. “Louis, if we sign this… you know what it means, right?”

“It means you get to be yourself. It means you don’t have to hide anymore. _We_ don’t have to hide anymore…”

“But… if I sign this, if we sign this… I’ll have to get out there into the spotlight and tell the world that I’m gay and you know – _you know_ – they’ll look at you”

“Let them” Louis takes a deep breath. “Let them look, I only need one thing”

“What?”

Louis reaches out and entwines their fingers. “When you get out there, I’ll be right behind you, okay. I got your back. And the only thing I need through this whole ordeal is that you do what you once asked me to”

Harry looks at him, slightly confused but naturally holds on tighter and Louis smiles.

“Don’t let me go”

“Never” Harry echoes breathless, choked on tears and unable to stop smiling.

“Now… here’s the pen” Louis flicks to the last page.

There are four lines.

Zayn, Niall and Liam have all signed.

And so has Louis.

Harry looks at him, so much hope in his eyes and that very second Louis knows they’ll make it. They’re strong enough, their relationship is strong enough now. Whatever management or life throws at them, they’re in this together. Forever.

“What’s this then?” Harry whispers, fingers tracing Louis signature.

“Freedom”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I listen to John Legend “All of Me” for two days straight. Somehow the line "you're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning" stuck... 
> 
> A big thank you goes out to Dutchie for beta'ing! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it :)


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